The path I lead myself to
July 11, 2013At first, I never liked the idea of working overseas. I do not see myself there. But here I am now, 23 years old and flying solo in a place I was never familiar with.
I was given an opportunity to be what I wanted to be in a foreign land, in Singapore. I have no clue whatsoever as to where I was heading to. All I know is that it's in Asia and that I have relatives there. I didn't even know what would be or if there would be time-difference from Manila. I had no clue as to what language they speak or what weather to expect. I didn't even bother researching. And yet, for 1 year and 9 months, I am still here, surviving.
Being away from familiar people is very difficult. You feel belittled, you feel different, you feel lost and no matter how much you try to fit yourself in, you can't. You will encounter different kinds of stares; some are of sympathy, some are quite discriminating, while a whole lot would be the kind where they can't be bothered by your existence.
When a relative will check up on me, I will get questions like "Why are you still even there?", "Why are you even trying?" I don't know. I have no idea how to answer or what to answer. Maybe the reason why I braved myself to this unknown destination is because I needed to get away. Away from familiar people who kept reflecting me of who I might not be. Maybe I needed to get away because I needed to find myself. To know myself more. I've never understood that concept. I hear it from movies, I read it from books but never did I ever realize that I will be using the line- "I need/ed to find myself".
During the process, I might have pushed people, maybe a whole lot of them, away from me. I might have made careless/impulsive decisions that affected others. The worst part is, in doing so, I might be bringing more harm to myself, more so to others.
At the moment of writing, I am confused, angry, lonely and tired. Part of me lifts myself up to positivity, while the other half sulks me down to negativity. I want to blame the people who've hurt me, who've taken me for granted, and for those who've left me. I want to blame them for letting me feel emotions I didn't even know existed.
I am trying each and every day to bring myself back together. I am struggling but I'll get there. If you are reading this and happened to be one of the people I have unintentionally "bumped" along the way, I'm sorry. I need your understanding more than ever.
2 Comment/s
So proud of you for making that bold move. Regardless of what other people say, think and feel about it I guess what matters is that you are there because you wanted to. In life you can't trust people if you're looking for a fair deal (sad but true), and it's alright that they look at you differently...it happens to all of us. Everybody ought to be open for scrutiny because it will allow you to grow, mature and improve yourself. I guess what matters is your attitude when people judge you. People will always have an opinion about you and we can't do anything about that. What's important is that you know who you are and their opinion won't matter in the end because ultimately...God has the final say. Do not conform with other people just because it is the way of the world, but rather be the person that God wants you to be. Keep your feet on the ground and have good sense. A lot of things clamor for our attention and can get us sidetracked, but by God's grace and mercy we can always get back up and pick up from where we left off...sometimes, if need be we start all over again...and that's life! I remember a quote that says: "I don't know the way to success, but the way to failure is trying to please everybody." Just live right by God and do what you love doing...doing what you do best and by doing so you won't have to prove yourself to anyone. And in terms of finding yourself...understanding yourself and why you're here...don't worry because most people having mid-life crisis are still trying to figure that out. However I will ask you to take a deep breath, look around you and contemplate on the countless blessings you have received...be thankful to God and be content. Lift up all your plans to God in prayer and He will direct your path. Ask God for wisdom, understanding, love and patience. Ask Him to make it known you what your purpose in life is. At times you may feel alone and you have no one to turn to but yourself, but the truth is you won't make it without God watching over you. He has been giving you His provision, guidance and protection...and you're always in my prayers. I wish to encourage you, comfort you and give you wisdom but I am nothing...I am insignificant. I only know that by God's grace and mercy I'm still here...and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Know that you are loved and that you are special to God, to me and to your family. I'm always here for you no matter what. And even if I may not understand you (due to my limited brain power), know that I'm always ready to accept and love you without understanding.
ReplyDeleteIt it with matured people that I feel understood and accepted. Thank you for your kind words. Blogging helps me say out the things I keep to myself, wishing and hoping someone out there understands or feels the same way. Thank you again!
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