Sundays are for my plants! It is when I water and wash them thoroughly and re-pot them if need be. I can easily spend half of my day getting dirty!

I have to admit, the only reason why I really wanted to get a Monstera plant is to make my apartment more Instagram-able!!! It can give any corner that tropical vibe! It wasn't an easy journey finding Monstera where I'm at. So imagine my excitement when I found some at the local plant nursery! The guy who owns the shop gave me this pot because of the new growth. It had that lime, light green that was different from the rest that are dark green in color!



Monstera can grow in any conditions - just be careful not to give them direct sunlight as it may cause sunburn! It's only been 2 weeks since I got this beaut and I've only watered it 3x. Check your plants to know if you are over or under watering them.

Monsteras are climbing plants. Get them a good pole to dance on - I mean, climb on!



There's really no right or wrong when it comes to plants - just like people, you have to get to know them to know what it needs. If they're happy, with lush green leaves and healthy roots - let them be, you're doing just fine! I hope they stay that way when I go away for the holidays! This will be the first time that I will be away for a very long time! Wish me luck!

I've been wanting to blog about my Plant Love life but I have no idea how to start. Wait, that's it! Maybe how it all started...

Nothing exciting, really. It was in 2017 (my last year in Singapore), it happened to be in one of the many unsung plant nurseries in Singapore. I was on a field trip with my Kinder kids and I got my first potted plant - lemongrass. I expected  it to not survive under my care but it thrived for months! Fast-forward to my life in Korat, 2 months after I moved, I bought several potted plants for my first (rental) apartment. Fast-forward again to today, I still have those plants and more, happily growing and thriving! People pointed out i have a green thumb, I don't know about that but I am blown away by how well I can keep plants alive!

Being a plant mom for, I'd say, 2 years now, makes you learn as your plants grow. You learn what works and what doesn't. If you're watering too much, or too little. I didn't just learn those, I also learned life lessons taking care of plants:

Patience - Oh gosh, I am probably one of the impatient ones. Having plants force you to be patient. You have to wait for roots to grow, leaves to uncurl, flowers to bloom or stems to grow.

Routine -  Having a routine is one of my weak points. I always work on having one and it goes well in few days or weeks and then I'm back to not having one. Having plants make you want to stick to your schedule. Now, Sundays are my re-potting/propagating day. I look forward to weekends so I can do plant errands.

And the most relatable and important lesson I've learned is

Resilience - Plants never fail to amaze me. I used to think that when plants grow dry and brown - they're good as dead. Wrong! Without really knowing what I was doing, I tried reviving a wilting plant and few days later, it was growing like new. That's when I learned all about propagation. Cut out a few dry ones, work on the nodes, grow and strengthen roots and life goes on. And just like plants, we are stronger than we think. Plants don't die out of insecurity and think "OMG, I have dried leaves I'm not pretty."

Grow without the validation of others. Grow stronger. And with the right care and environment, just like plants, you will thrive and grow with value and purpose.

I wanted you to be the one. I wanted to see where this goes. But you gave up on me, you gave up on us. I know, that's too selfish of me to want you even when it's obvious that's not going to be reciprocated.

It's been two weeks and I'm still pretending I'm okay. I think about you a lot even when I try so hard not to. I later found out that the more you consciously fight it, the more you think about it.

I regret a lot of things in my life. With you, I regret not telling you enough how great you are as a person. I regret letting you see the dark days when I could've spent those positively instead. You didn't give me a chance. I had plans.

I can't stop thinking about you and I wish I could literally scoop it out of my mind! I want to stop missing you. I want to stop wondering how you're doing. I want to stop caring too much.

They said time heals all wounds. What if time stops, and it never heals?
They said it gets better. What if it doesn't?
They said some day, one day, I'll move on. What if it takes too long?
They said someone's better out there for me. What if you were my only shot?
What if? What if?

What if I was right about us?

After 14 years of misdiagnosis, broken relationships, estranged siblings, physical, mental and emotional exhaustion, hurtful judgement from people among all other things.. I finally know what is going on. It's not easy living as me. It's so complicated. It's scary. One day I'm okay, the next minute I'm not. I have pushed a lot of people away from getting close to me. I don't think I can ever forgive myself if I push you away from me.


Here's an open letter to anyone who cares about someone with PMDD:

Until I fully get better, I need you to know that one, or worse, two days in a month, someone else will be answering your text messages to me. She might not be as fun, funny and nice as I am. She might say things that I don't normally say on our usual conversations. She will be boring, annoying, exhausting and really heavy to be around with. Please understand... She's not me. She's the PMDD talking. She's taken over me and like you, she's not my favorite. Believe me, I've tried a lot of things to win against her, but all she makes me want to do is think I'm not pretty, think I'm not worth anything, think I don't deserve anything nice. Oh, and not just that, there will be times in those 2 days I mentioned earlier, that she won't even let me do anything, not even to get up to get food, worse, to pee. You see, I don't like her. I don't like her a lot. I don't like what she's making me do to you. Can you please stay with me a little longer until I make her go away? I would really like you to get to know "me", and not "her". I'd need a lot of patience and understanding from you for me in those two days. But if you can't, I'll be very sad but I'll understand.

Love,
Me - who is trying so so hard to be better every single day

I want to text and ask about your day, but I just sent a funny meme not long ago.

I want to see you today, but we just met yesterday.

I want to hear your voice, but I'm scared you'll think I'm clingy.

I am in a constant battle with my head. I almost never feel secured with anything. I make scenarios in my head only to make myself feel miserable. It is an eternal plight of discomfort.

I'm always in constant fear. Fear of meeting new people, finding friends and entering a potential stable relationship.

I know my anxiety will ruin everything for me eventually. Everyone I care about. My friends will eventually get tired of texting me as I keep leaving them unanswered. I am tired of being the toxic one because I keep turning down invitations.

It's constant battle but I know I am bigger than all the things I worry about. I will not allow my anxieties ruin a possibility I may have with you. Please be patient with me as I learn how to be with myself.

Dear God,

I think too much, God. I'm sure you know this well. My thoughts are running wild and my guess is you're probably laughing at how silly the things I worry about are. I worry a lot. I worry over things that haven't happened yet. I worry about people who are just entering my life. I worry over words I've said or didn't say.

I need your help, God.

Please bless my worried mind and calm it. Touch my pouting lips and replace them with smiles that could brighten up other people's days as well. I pray that you remind me that I am not in control of what happens in my life. That you are bigger than any of my fears.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I know You're there, even if I can't see you. I know You're near me, ready to protect me, to listen to me, to save me and to catch me.